This is it, folks: the last post of the year. And I did it. I posted every other Thursday for the entire year, just like I resolved to do. Look, Mommy, I made 26 posts.
So was it successful? I made a New Year’s Resolution and I completed it. Do I get a cookie or something? A bonus? A raise? Publishing contract, boyfriend, cure for lupus, cure for my dog’s blindness or kidlet’s migraines?
None of the above. I get the satisfaction of knowing I did it.
Hmmpf. Pffft. I already knew I could do it. I had not one single doubt about that. I just wanted to show everyone else I could do it. I could hang my posts on the fridge but nobody would ever see them. Putting them online means… well, maybe instead of 0% of the population, .001% of the population might see them. Still, I can point and say, “Look what I did.” In case anyone accuses me of not being a writer, I can give them the link. Of course that won’t prove anything, either, if they don’t want it to. Some will say, “That’s not real writing. Where’s your book? Where’s your movie-based-on-your-book? Where’s the interviews and the autograph sessions? You’re not a real writer. You’re just a wanna-be.”
People believe what they want to believe. One puny blog isn’t going to change that. So what do New Year’s Resolutions prove? I really don’t know. If they don’t accomplish anything, if they don’t make my life better, they’re pointless. If they don’t bring in money, they’re a waste of time.
That’s what my resolution accomplished: a way to waste time. I cannot sit around and do nothing, it makes me feel worthless. I don’t enjoy staring at the TV for hours. And I can’t do demanding work like mowing the grass during the week because it will wear me out and make me unable to work. Working on a blog gave me something to do that kept me from getting physically exhausted, thus allowing me to attend my job and get paid, which is good. It kept my brain otherwise occupied so I didn’t worry about being sick and not having any money, which is also good. Maybe that’s the reason for it. Maybe that’s the best reason for writing the blog. After all, more than one parent (or babysitter) has discovered that keeping children distracted keeps them out of trouble. If they’re busy doing something, they don’t wander into the Christmas tree or decide to explore Mama’s underwear drawer. They can’t play with breakable ornaments, and Mama doesn’t want the dog wearing her unmentionables. You have to keep the kids occupied so they forget about the things they can’t have.
Resolutions seem, in general, to be public declarations that we are going to be better people – thinner, healthier, nicer, stronger, richer, prettier. You know, all that stuff people consider desirable. (Apparently there’s something wrong with staying where you are.) But some of us are like the Red Queen and have to run like hell just to keep from going backwards. Resolutions to “be better” don’t really help. Resolutions to keep you from worrying about life may be the only thing that does help.
Writing keeps my mind from drifting off into things I can’t have. Which keeps me from worrying about all that I’m missing or being sad about being left out. Which in turn keeps me from being depressed. Which could lead me to another lupus flare, so all things considered, I’d say the resolution was worth it. It kept me writing even when I didn’t want to just so I could prove I’d do what I said I’d do.
In conclusion, I’d like to say 2015 was pretty much as sucky as any other year. No major tragedies in my own family, thank goodness, but that can make life worse. Doing the same old boring crap, day after day after day, and never getting anywhere – not even with resolutions that are supposed to make you “better” – can get pretty depressing. Tragedy wakes you up. Drama wakes you up. Routine puts you to sleep. If you can find something to pull you away from that dead routine, it keeps you alive, at least. It gives you something to do, even if that something is just a boring little blog. So what if no one reads it? Who cares if it never brings me fame or fortune? It keeps me from sinking head-deep into that rut I live in, and that may be justification enough for making another resolution for next year. Now, what shall I pick?