30 Days of Shamelessness: Day 7

“Day 7: share your efforts at something you don’t think you do well.”

What I don’t think I do well: Me.

As much as I try, I don’t think I represent myself very well.  I don’t think I give people the impression I hope to, and then they end up thinking I’m something I’m not.  Worse yet, I end up defending myself, my actions – even when no one is around.  I just want a chance to explain.  This is who I am, this is why I did what I did.  Don’t think I’m mentally defective or a hopeless loser.  I have reasons, and if only you’d listen, you’d understand.

Yes, I do care what people think of me.  I hope they would see me as creative, intelligent, resourceful, and – yes – strong.  Even that.  And funny.  When I feel like they don’t view me in that way, I want to correct it.  Maybe I don’t believe those things are true myself, and I’m hoping someone else will see those traits in me and let me know that they exist and that they are positive.  Yet it’s hard to sit here after so many years of hearing my peers tell me I’m not good enough to be their friend, not good enough to date, not good enough to even walk on the same side of the street they do, and to convince myself that I truly do have redeeming values.  Stick and stones may break your bones, but the bad words can stick in your head forever.

Is it enough to sit here alone and tell myself I’m smart and funny and loveable and just as good as anyone else that walks this planet?  No, it isn’t.  If 99 people tell you hey, you’re a loser, get lost, and then 1 person says: “That was a funny joke you just told”, who are you going to believe?
“…whence it follows that the majority must be supreme…” – Aristotle

Thus it follows that I follow the majority, and believe that I should keep my mouth shut and my head down and go home alone.  Which means I’m not being me very well.  I don’t say or do what I want because “they” have told me it’s wrong, I have no right, and then people don’t get to see who I really am.  Of course they’re not going to think I’m funny if I never say anything amusing.  They won’t see me as smart if I never do something intelligent, and so on.  Therefore, I am not representing myself well at all.  And then it stands to reason that nobody can truly know who I am.

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